We expect you to emerge from my uterus in about 2 months. You simultaneously terrify and delight us. I’m trying not to get my hopes up about the kind of person you’ll be. Despite our best efforts – and we’re gonna give you our best efforts, that’s for damn sure – you could end up being a selfish turd*. I sure hope not, but anything is possible in this nutty world.
When I first found out that my egg and your dad’s sperm had successfully united in holy matrimony to form a blastocyst, I felt incredulity and joy and also apprehension. Who am I to impose life on anything? I asked. Out loud. To my therapist. Continue reading
Guest post today from my fella. While you’re waiting for the Warriors to finish off the Cavs (sorry, LeBron. I love you, though), consider for a moment the Mervyn Peake-esque talent with which I live. (He wrote it for me.)
Warning: this is disgusting.
A rug it is and a slug it is
And like a moldy plug it is:
this ugly bug-love I have for you.
Breath deep of its salty musk
And choke with profound disgust
At the lush rottenness of the cusk
that fills my reeking husk:
I’m brimming with putrid fish-rot love for you.
Can you hear, my earless dear?!?
It’s me! Your beast filled with yeast,
sweating his pungent grease,
sliming you up a bubbling feast.
It’s a redolant and sloppy love for you.
Don’t you get it?!?
I’m sick for you!
I’m gross for you!
I’d lick some shit’s whitlows for you!
my decrepit and wizened ghoul of love.
As to me? I’m a hippo! I’m a pig!
I’m only happiest when I dig
in your twilligs and your brigs!
Of course, I’m drowning in this cream-thick wabe of love.
I mean, how could I win?
How does one even begin
when he’s tied and trapped
In a windowless den?
Oh, what a dreadful horror story of love.
-kegen dean benson
This past week, the House GOP narrowly and painfully passed bloody stools a monstrous and pathetic “health care” bill.
(To be clear, it is a “health care” bill the same way people who force pregnancies on women are “pro-life.” That is to say, ironically. That is also to say, they’re both misnomers and intentionally misleading terms.) Continue reading
My fella grew up with very, very little in the way of material resources or goods. I grew up with 3 siblings and a blue collar, self-employed dad and a stay-at-home mom; six mouths to feed and very little extra to go around. Luckier than many, yes, but not remotely wealthy.
My fella put himself through college and worked full-time. Then he went into the Navy for the steady paycheck and the insurance. I earned a master’s degree in Spanish and moved with him when he got re-assigned to new stations. He’s out of the Navy now and using the GI Bill to return to school for additional practical skills. I’m working for a non-profit, using my Spanish language skills on occasion and my English language skills every waking moment.
We didn’t come from money. And it’s clear we’re not going toward money, either. Continue reading
“For small creatures such as we, the vastness is bearable only through love.” – Carl Sagan
Even then, perhaps not.
“There is a weight I don’t know how to get out from under,” she wrote. “It hangs on me. It sits with me when I sit. It walks with me, reluctantly, when I walk. It doesn’t want to walk or to get up, but sometimes I make it. Continue reading
We’ll all be dead someday. I’m pretty sure about that.
What I’m not sure about is what to do with the time we have before we’re all dead. Continue reading
Whatever dream or life my family pursued generations ago by coming here to Montana, it’s no longer accessible or available to anyone else, least of all to you. I belong here and you do not, by virtue of my ancestors four generations back arriving here. Much as you’re arriving here now. Shut up; that’s not relevant. I’m the real Montanan. Continue reading
I walked from work to the market this evening, needing to pick up some beef broth to stretch the soup I’m taking to a potluck later tonight. On the sidewalk outside the market stood a man, gray and probably cold in the zero degree dusk. He wore a coat; I could not tell how thick or protective. He held a sign saying something like “In need” or “Please help”; I can’t remember the exact wording, but the message was familiar.
What I can remember is the hashtag on his cardboard sign: #MAGA, written vertically down the right-hand side.
I walk toward him. “Does a sandwich sound good?” I ask him, thinking of the pre-made sandwiches inside the market. Quick, easy, nutritious, no utensils required; I don’t know what supplies he carries with him.
“No, what would be better is a baguette and some cheese; I can make my own sandwich,” he tells me. “Cheddar. And those little mayonnaise packets, I don’t know if you know where they are. And a bag for everything.”
I smile. I’m taken back by the specificity of his requests. Beggars, if he is indeed that, can be choosers. Continue reading
Who told you to ignore your own being?
Who told you to ignore your sisters?
Who taught you to hate your body?
Who demanded your martyrdom?
Who convinced you of your sinfulness?
Who cuffed you? Who painted you into this corner? Who clipped your wings and eroded your voice box?
Who demands your shame? Continue reading
Last night in fitful sleep, I dreamed apocalyptic. Back in my childhood home but as an adult, with my siblings and parents, we waited for disaster, knowing, in the Dream Way of Knowing, that it was coming.
We were to be airlifted out of our home via helicopter, but before that, we needed to gather food. I found peaches and carrots and put them in a bag. All of us frantic, terrified. When there was no more food to toss in bags, I rifled through my books, looking for a thick anthology of children’s literature; where we were going, we would have time to pass.
And where was Kegen? Dream Meg needed him and felt confused that he wasn’t there. Shortly, he appeared, and I ran to him and kissed him, a luxury interrupted by chaos and necessary explanations about what was happening. The end.
“But dreams aren’t real!” my best friend protests; she doesn’t care to discuss them. “What is real?” I counter only when I’m feeling existential.
What is real? This morning, Continue reading