I Forgive Myself for Forgetting You, Tri-Tip Sandwich

You were perfect. A yeast roll, medium-rare beef sliced thin, mozzarella draped across you, biting red onions ringed and tucked into the whole mess. Arugula – arugula! – the peppery foil to mozzarella’s soft hug. First, I ate the hot French fries that accompanied you. You know I love French fries; they would not stay hot long. Between bites I chatted with my best friend, visiting from afar, she enjoying her chicken salad on croissant.

French fries handsomely demolished, I ate some of you, but – too soon – I was full. And so I asked the server for a box. I nestled you gently in Styrofoam, your environmentally irresponsible and eventual casket. We paid for our lunch, Continue reading

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How Not to Rape: 7 Things* to Put Your Shlong in Instead

(*This is not a comprehensive list.)

Tired of raping people? I’ve got replacements! It’s like a nicotine patch, but for your dick. (You could also put a nicotine patch on your dick, I guess.)

Can’t quit rape cold turkey? Stuff your junk in this stuff instead! You’ll hardly notice the difference, because you’re a monster. Continue reading