How Not to Rape: 7 Things* to Put Your Shlong in Instead

(*This is not a comprehensive list.)

Tired of raping people? I’ve got replacements! It’s like a nicotine patch, but for your dick. (You could also put a nicotine patch on your dick, I guess.)

Can’t quit rape cold turkey? Stuff your junk in this stuff instead! You’ll hardly notice the difference, because you’re a monster. Bonus: you won’t be physically and psychologically harming a person! Try one of these 7 suggestions, or all of them!

1. A sex doll. Amazon probably has them. Figure it out. I imagine there’s discreet shipping. Have sex with it to your heart’s content.
2. A leather pillow. Wad that thing up and penetrate away! You’re obviously not in it for the intimacy, so this stuffed skin will work just as well!
3. Your own hand. Or both hands! Look, when you have the urge to rape someone, look down at your paws, take a deep breath, find a room with a door that locks, and masturbate angrily!
4. An old cardboard paper towel tube. Just shove your dick in there. Uncomfortable? Maybe, but not as bad as being raped!
5. An old plastic medicine bottle with the end cut out. Or not!
6. A literal cup of hydrochloric acid. HCl’s great for what ails you! And what ails you is your desire to rape people. Burning your penis off will probably help with that, but I’m no doctor. I’m just a nasty woman who hates rape!
7. A hole in the ground. Dig a hole to your desired depth and dimensions. Line it with old bits of straw if you want for that authentic “pokey” vagina feel. Once you’ve sullied it with would-be rapist ejaculate, consider planting wildflower seeds in the hole and filling with potting soil. You’re doing something great for the environment, and you haven’t raped anybody this time!

Remember, if you’re a piece of shit garbage human being who rapes people, don’t do that anymore. Alternatively, kill yourself. Honestly. The world is better without you!

PS – The fence with frost clinging to it (pictured) is also a great option for something to which you could really “give the business”! So many holes!