How Not to Rape: 7 Things* to Put Your Shlong in Instead

(*This is not a comprehensive list.)

Tired of raping people? I’ve got replacements! It’s like a nicotine patch, but for your dick. (You could also put a nicotine patch on your dick, I guess.)

Can’t quit rape cold turkey? Stuff your junk in this stuff instead! You’ll hardly notice the difference, because you’re a monster. Continue reading


Eve’s Curse: Gladwell-Level Expertise

Menstrual cramps sent her to her bed this afternoon. She lay reading, curled in the fetal position, a heating pad wrapped around her lower abdomen.

Lying there, she began to calculate The Time She’s Spent Menstruating. She got her first period at 12. She’s 32 now. Twenty years of periods. Twelve periods a year. Some women have inconsistent periods; she is like clockwork. Every 28 to 30 days, her uterus sheds its lining and begins again, like a bloody phoenix. (You’re welcome.) Continue reading


How fragile are you?
How flimsy?
How easily shaken.
The skin darker than yours —
     Chained to a ship
     Chained to a cotton farm
     Chained to debt peonage
     Chained to predatory agreements
     Chained to a cell
— Who dares proclaim its worth?
And sure of yourself, in false magnanimity, revealing only the fragility and smallness of your soul, you correct what needs no correction:
“ALL lives matter,” you say.

My Body is Just Fine

Hello, friends. Want to do something radical today? Revolutionary? Decide to like your body, and follow that decision with actions and words that reflect body-liking.

Many of you have already committed this revolutionary act. Terrific. Spread the gospel, please, and encourage healthy self-image and positive self-talk. And maybe don’t read the rest of this post, since it’s not for you. Stop hogging it. Continue reading

45 Days per Rape

The best thing about living in Montana is all the rapes. See, for example, Jon Krakauer’s book, “Missoula: Rape and the Justice System in a College Town.”

A district judge in Gallatin County wants to make sure rape doesn’t go anywhere. It’s one of our most prized natural resources, after all, like enormous skies or clustered mountain ranges. To keep rape alive and well, Judge Mike Salvagni has sentenced a Belgrade man to just 3 months in jail for raping two women (human beings).

Ninety days in jail seems like the perfect sentence. It averages just 45 days per rape. I certainly wouldn’t want a man who admitted to raping at least two women (human beings) to serve any longer than that! Since this man’s victims allegedly didn’t want to see him go to prison, what could the judge do? (*wrings hands*) The punishment must reflect cultural and religiously-mandated notions of premature forgiveness and “closure” fit the crime. Continue reading

Emotional Ladies

Betsy in Accounting cried yesterday after a meeting with her boss. It made me uncomfortable when I saw her walk by my cubicle on her way to her cubicle, and then it had no effect whatsoever on me the rest of the day, or on anyone else around her, or on the integrity of the building.

It did make me a little uncomfortable for the 23 seconds I noticed it, though.

Guys don’t do shit like that. You don’t see men crying at work. Men are logical, rational. Calm. Like when Bill from Sales and Marketing lost a contract that he thought was in the bag. What did he do? Did he cry about it? No. Logically, rationally, he brought a gun to work, shot his supervisor, started a fire in the breakroom, and broke several windows. No crying. No whining. No smeared mascara on his face, no whimpering because he didn’t get his way.

God. Women.