You were perfect. A yeast roll, medium-rare beef sliced thin, mozzarella draped across you, biting red onions ringed and tucked into the whole mess. Arugula – arugula! – the peppery foil to mozzarella’s soft hug. First, I ate the hot French fries that accompanied you. You know I love French fries; they would not stay hot long. Between bites I chatted with my best friend, visiting from afar, she enjoying her chicken salad on croissant.
French fries handsomely demolished, I ate some of you, but – too soon – I was full. And so I asked the server for a box. I nestled you gently in Styrofoam, your environmentally irresponsible and eventual casket. We paid for our lunch, Continue reading
(*This is not a comprehensive list.)
Tired of raping people? I’ve got replacements! It’s like a nicotine patch, but for your dick. (You could also put a nicotine patch on your dick, I guess.)
Can’t quit rape cold turkey? Stuff your junk in this stuff instead! You’ll hardly notice the difference, because you’re a monster. Continue reading
“Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.” W.B. Yeats, “The Second Coming” (1919)
Up is down. Down is up. The center cannot hold, because the center was never designed to hold.
To restate this actively instead of passively: we did not design the center for holding. Continue reading
You don’t have to Google it.
You don’t have to respond.
You don’t have to reply.
You don’t have to read the notification.
You don’t have to charge your phone.
You don’t have to read that update.
You do not have to watch the video.
You do not have to.
You do not have to.
You can sit.
Or stand. Continue reading
Time is in danger. Can you save it? SAVE TIME!
Don’t wait for a pan to heat on the stove or the oven to preheat. Keep all four burners on at all times, and never let the oven dip below 350⁰. TIME SAVED! Continue reading
Menstrual cramps sent her to her bed this afternoon. She lay reading, curled in the fetal position, a heating pad wrapped around her lower abdomen.
Lying there, she began to calculate The Time She’s Spent Menstruating. She got her first period at 12. She’s 32 now. Twenty years of periods. Twelve periods a year. Some women have inconsistent periods; she is like clockwork. Every 28 to 30 days, her uterus sheds its lining and begins again, like a bloody phoenix. (You’re welcome.) Continue reading
How fragile are you?
How easily shaken.
The skin darker than yours —
Chained to a ship
Chained to a cotton farm
Chained to debt peonage
Chained to predatory agreements
Chained to a cell
— Who dares proclaim its worth?
And sure of yourself, in false magnanimity, revealing only the fragility and smallness of your soul, you correct what needs no correction:
“ALL lives matter,” you say.
We’ve all been there. (Except for you, Jackie.) One second you’re
bewildered by admiring the hand-crocheted doilies on the mantle at your grandma’s house, and the next second you’re thinking about boning. Continue reading
Hello, friends. Want to do something radical today? Revolutionary? Decide to like your body, and follow that decision with actions and words that reflect body-liking.
Many of you have already committed this revolutionary act. Terrific. Spread the gospel, please, and encourage healthy self-image and positive self-talk. And maybe don’t read the rest of this post, since it’s not for you. Stop hogging it. Continue reading
The best thing about living in Montana is all the rapes. See, for example, Jon Krakauer’s book, “Missoula: Rape and the Justice System in a College Town.”
A district judge in Gallatin County wants to make sure rape doesn’t go anywhere. It’s one of our most prized natural resources, after all, like enormous skies or clustered mountain ranges. To keep rape alive and well, Judge Mike Salvagni has sentenced a Belgrade man to just 3 months in jail for raping two women (human beings).
Ninety days in jail seems like the perfect sentence. It averages just 45 days per rape. I certainly wouldn’t want a man who admitted to raping at least two women (human beings) to serve any longer than that! Since this man’s victims allegedly didn’t want to see him go to prison, what could the judge do? (*wrings hands*) The punishment must reflect cultural and religiously-mandated notions of premature forgiveness and “closure” fit the crime. Continue reading